each and every moment at a time

i got through yesterday. somehow with a strong voice and my head lifted high. i don’t know when i’m going to stop being surprised when God does what i ask. today my brother is exactly where he’s supposed to be. and i am part of the reason why. I’ve stuck to my new years resolution, NO CIGARETTE YET! it’s a beautiful day, i’m off to boarding with the boys.
Word.
Friendship is the string that ties two souls together

Tears stream down my face as I sit on my bed trying to come up with the exact words to use at an attempt to explain my feelings. I went to treatment for 5 months just so I can know what I’m feeling in every moment and be able to tell the people in my life who need to know. Rather that keeping it in, letting it get pushed down farther and farther letting more shit pile ontop of it until the drugs I’ve used to ignore the mess finally send me over the edge. But that’s irrelevant. I’m not that scared running little girl anymore. You can take how I feel and what I say however you want to. You’ve taken it exactly as I expected you would. But that I prayed to god you wouldn’t. If you really understood what I said you’d be proud of me. Im finally able to do what I KNOW I NEED TO, RATHER THAN WHAT I WANT TO DO. You’d believe me when I said its not because I think I’m better than you. you’d believe me When I said I don’t regret a thing. Because I don’t. So fuck you. Fuck you for not knowing me better than that. Fuck you for saying that I left you high and dry for you to figure out the world alone. I was the one that had to put our childish ways to a halt and make the hardest decision of my life. not for me, but for us. Walk away from the only person in my life who ever gave a damn. All to go to treatment. A new place, again. with no one but myself. I’ve seen your fb. Youre still doing the same old shit. Maybe with different people..

You do not have the first idea where I’ve been the last six months.


Non stop reality slapping me across the face. 18 years of life, my foundation built and fed by lies. My mother. My father. Myself. Liars. We had to do something that released the repressed memories. Just to get a clearer image of the man that molested me when I was 6. Then 10. 3 months of dreams replaying events that happened in my life. Getting a phone call saying my mom put everything I owned in a wheel beroll and lit it on fire. Relapse in treatment. Testifying against my mom in court. Letting every single person in my life go. Facing the truth. In every aspect that is possible.

Whats even more disappointing is the fact that I did all these things , alone, and the person that always promised to be there at the end of the day can’t seem to be even the slightest bit open minded. Why can’t you realize that I didn’t tear our world apart. Why can’t you see that We’ve gone through the same amount of shit in the last 6 months. You had the comfort of your home, your family, your life. I know it wasn’t easy but why can’t you just fucking try to get some perspective.

I’m still here, but at the same time I’ll never be the same. Thank you God.

I love you so much. If you ever want to write me you know you can. 715 glen ridge dr. Edmond, OK 73013.

serendipity

the truth is— i miss you. i miss you so much. every part of me breaks apart when i think of you. my every breathe is filled with sorrow and remorse when i think about what i’m saying. i want you in my life. i need you in my life. but right now you are not someone healthy enough for me to see. i don’t know how to say that with out it just going straight through your heart like a knife. BUT IT’S TRULY NOT BECAUSE OF YOU. it’s not about the using anymore. it’s about life being productive and inspiring and geniune, mostly it’s about being pure. and honest. i have attachment and relationship issues. to say the least. i am having to train myself into the person i want to be. in the process of me doing that i can’t be around anyone i had that soul strong connection with. or i will fall right back into the same old ‘kayl’. that’s not who i am want to be, that’s not who i’ve spent the last 4 months working to be. that means trey, mom, and you. and every single other person in my life that isn’t family or new. that doesn’t mean forever. or that i am even the slighest bit done with this friendship. Really i’m doing this to make sure just that doesn’t happen. if we are friends before i am ready- before you are ready. we will destroy both everything we’ve worked for and what we are so close to grasping on to. this is a conversation that I am finally making myself have because I can’t ignore it and pray for the facts to change and longer. i love you so much. you can find happiness with out me. get the fuck out of that rut. that lifestyle that leaves us on that god forsaken rollercoaster. i miss it sometimes- but mostly i just miss the people. there is absolutlely no judgement in anything that you do. or anything that you are. this has everything to do with my charachater defects. I’m sorry this is how I’m telling you. it’s too long to be in a message. BUT I LOVE YOU. be strong, write it all out, be exactly who you’ve always wanted to be. i’ll be waiting for us to reunite.

e-a-t-a-c-i-d: relevant.
to you sis,

i promise i haven’t left you hanging. your last letter left me speechless. but i’m almost done with my response. just thought i’d put this out there and let you know it’s on it way very soon. i love you. i miss you so much.

we think we’re loved. we think we’ll be missed. maybe we will be. for a brief moment in time. but just like our bodies, our memories and longing will fade away. as much as i thought i would never fade from their thoughts. i have. their world didn’t stop at all. i was a gape in the their world that didn’t take long at all to be filled. i’m growing and so very happy with the way my life is going to turn out all because i made the hardest decision i’ve ever made. on that day i chose to walk away i told them all that truth will rule in the end. they’ll either be here, believing and accepting that this is who i am or they won’t be able to understand. they won’t even try. i’ve never doubted their love or their sorrow. but to live blindly, you don’t even know what’s real and what’s not. truth will reign until the day we leave these bodies. take a good long hard look around you. pull away from the people you’d give your life for. would they give theirs for you? does their world stop with out you? does it even stutter? with out you there, are they the same? are they left searching or is there someone already there left to fill your place?
"Deeply lost in the night. Just as one sometimes lowers one’s head to reflect, thus to be utterly lost in the night. All around people are asleep. It’s just play acting, an innocent self-deception, that they sleep in houses, in safe beds, under a safe roof, stretched out or curled up on mattresses, in sheets, under blankets; in reality they have flocked together as they had once upon a time and again later in a deserted region, a camp in the open, a countless number of men, an army, a people, under a cold sky on cold earth, collapsed where once they had stood, forehead pressed on the arm, face to the ground, breathing quietly. And you are watching, are one of the watchmen, you find the next one by brandishing a burning stick from the brushwood pile beside you. Why are you watching? Someone must watch, it is said. Someone must be there."

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(Source: beautemillesimee, via vintesete-deactivated20110815-d)